Hiccups and Sunshine

One of my goals this year is to study the Bible. I’m not talking about going to school and getting a diploma, although that would be really nice unfortunately I cannot afford going back to school right now. I’m talking about self-study. So I’ve started studying my Bible and I’m actually liking it. Somehow, I felt closer to God. I don’t know, maybe that’s one of the side effects? In a good way of course.

I’m currently looking for a job right now. However, I’m finding it a little bit difficult to get a permanent job because most of the people who interviewed me wanted someone with flexible hours. I’m a single mom and I don’t really have flexible hours. I found someone to watch over my little hippo from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. I don’t have anyone yet to watch over him on weekends, so I can’t really work on weekends. *sigh*

So last week, I met up with someone who works in an organization who helps people create their own company (not a big company just a small one). I wanted to get information on legal stuff on how to create your own company in France. Let’s just stay I have an idea and I wanted to know if this idea works for me. Well after the meeting, I felt a spark of motivation. I guess I was feeling a little excited about the idea of trying something I’ve never done before. I wanted to talk to someone and share about this feeling and these things that I learned. Also, I wanted to know their thoughts about it. I then texted a friend but she didn’t answer (she texted me back after 2 days I think). Somehow at that moment, my excitement was replaced with sadness. I felt alone.

Then I prayed to God and told Him how I wish when I speak to Him He would speak to me back like when I speak to a friend face to face. That I didn’t have to guess His answer or flip through pages of the Bible just to find His answer. (Of course, I know that God does speak to us, through the Bible and sometimes people.) I guess I was just hoping for an instant reply.

The next day, as soon as I woke up I grab my phone and opened my Bible app to read the devotion of the day. As soon as the Bible app finished loading, the first verse I saw was Psalms 37:5

“Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you.”

I don’t know why but I knew with great certitude that God was speaking to me. Wow! Just wow! Me and my thoughts were speechless for a moment.

So God is truly listening and He does answer. Once again, God has proved to me that I’m not alone and He’s right here with me, listening and watching me.

I want to encourage you to keep on praying to Him and never gives up. Sometimes He answers instantly and sometimes you have to wait. Sometimes He says “Yes”, sometimes He says “No” and other times He is silent. Joyce Meyer said that when God is gone silent, He’s probably saying “use your common sense”. =)

What do you think would happen if I didn’t open my Bible app that morning? I probably didn’t catch what God was telling me.

Have you had any situations like this before that God has spoken to you directly? I would love to hear them. Don’t be shy to share them on the comment down below.

Have a wonderful day and be blessed!

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

I was watching a video of Joyce Meyer yesterday about suicide. While I was watching the video, I was thinking to myself, “Why didn’t I see this video 18 months ago? Or maybe many years ago?”.

What is depression? Let’s look at what Merriam-Webster say,

Depression: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: such as
(1): a state of feeling sad: DEJECTION
anger, anxiety, and depression
(2): a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

I’ve been battling with depression for years. I remember the first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was in high school. I just moved to a new school and had to learn a new language and make new friends. I didn’t fit in. I was an introvert and I was always alone. At first, I enjoyed being alone until I didn’t. I became sad and lonely. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I have no one to talk to. Years passed, I was still depressed but I learned to suppress it. I tried my best to socialize with other people. I tried to fill up my emptiness with things and relationships. I got my heart broken, made quite a few big mistakes, then little by little self-doubt crept in. Hopelessness crept in. The next thing I know I’m battling depression again. It’s like, it’s been on and off thing in my life. It was a real struggle.

18 months ago I went to Cambodia, believe it or not, I went there to end my life. I isolated myself and tried to formulate a plan on how to end it. My mind was full of negative thoughts. I felt worthless, ashamed, ugly, unwanted and empty. I felt alone and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what’s in my head. Thinking about it right now, while writing this, it pains me. I gave satan a way to get into my head and put lies, lies to take me away from God and his amazing plans for my life.

I like how Joyce Meyer said it,

“You cannot let the enemy convince you that whatever you’re going through right now cannot be fixed and can never change. Instead of spending all your now time going back and regretting something that you can’t go back and do anything about, why not ask God to take all that stuff and let it make you smarter.”

She’s right. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. You cannot let him destroy you. You cannot let him win by handing your life to him. If anyone of you reading this and have suicidal thoughts, I urge you to get some help and talk to someone. Do not, I will say it again, DO NOT isolate yourself.

While I was there in Cambodia, an acquaintance of mine who works at the very same guesthouse where I was staying, shared to me a story one day about one of their receptionist. How she was sold to human trafficking and got out. They helped her get out, get a job and get back to society. I was deeply moved by her story. There I was feeling all sorry for myself and stuff not knowing that there are worst things in life. I then talk to her, more like cried my heart out to her (lol), and told her all about what’s going on with me and in my head. We talked and then she prayed for me. I felt relieved. Few days after, I flew back home and went to see a doctor, coz guess what? I was pregnant. The doctor said I was 4 months pregnant.

Fast forward, I now have a beautiful baby boy, whom I love with all my heart. And I am forever grateful to God for that eye-opening moment when I was in Cambodia. I cannot thank God enough. He proved to me over and over again His love and faithfulness ever since I left Cambodia. So many miracles, but I’ll talk about them next time.

There’s no pit so deep that God can’t reach down in it and get you out. – Joyce Meyer

I can quote her all day, but I’ll suggest that you just go and watch her video. Suicide is not the answer. I’m available to talk if you need to talk to someone and can’t find anyone to talk to. Just know that you are not alone. I’ve been there so I know what it’s like.